My 2 Cents: A 60 Day Blogging Journey (46/60): Win the Battle

    I've been kicking around this topic for a while and kept putting it off because it's a bit dark. I decided to go ahead and start this post; but, I shelved this in 2018 along with many other blog projects. So it's now 2020 and finally feel ready to share. In 2014 and 2017 Robin William's and Chester Bennington are two celebs that took their own lives. 

 

My story: 

  First off, I have dealt with suicide in my family. My great-aunt was in constant pain due to an accident when she was younger and was still upbeat and happy until the last few years of her life. She had lost her joy and I noticed but I was young and naive and didn't pay much attention to it. Even though I had struggled with it myself I never thought she could have this issue because I was alone right?

  For years I struggled with suicide and I mean like 12 years off and on. It might be hard to believe someone my age has struggled this long; however, it's true. It wasn't an everyday occurrence; however, it crossed my mind often. 

   It started in middle school. In 8th grade everything changed. My sister went to college. My parents were on the verge of divorce. (Today they are still together.) My Mom was working all the time. My church got a new pastor. It was the first time I struggled in school. I got braces. I didn't feel like I fit in. I was bullied by the other kids in school. I was still going through puberty. It was a lot to deal with at once and all that took away my comfort zone. Being out of my comfort zone for the first time really was tough for me. 

  Suicidal thoughts usually happened when I was about to come home from vacation or when I was driving. One time I thought about drowning myself in a pool on the last day of vacation because I didn't want to go back to my life. I often thought driving into an oncoming 18-wheeler. I had become so complacent in life used to the status quo. I think complacency is one of the scariest things to feel. The book turned film "The Giver" is a great example of this. 

    Nobody knew I was dealing with this. (Or at least I thought nobody did.) One person knew and I had never told her. I never told anyone. One Sunday morning I didn't want to go to church; however, I went. This was a really low point in my life. I was at a point where I could have ended my life at any time. 

    Someone in church decided to get up and share how she had struggled with suicide and how she had her death planned out she went to kill herself and right in the spot she had planned there set a Bible. She opened it and started reading about Jesus's love and that's why she was here today. 

 Her testimony made me realize I wasn't alone; however, it still wasn't over. 

    One day later at church she took me aside and worked in the conversation how when she shared that she got some weird looks from the congregation; however, she felt compelled to do so. That follow-up was what it took to realize I was worth it. To know someone had gone through it, overcome and was willing to encourage me, even without telling me she knew. No matter what others said or thought, I'm here today because she was open to share. 

  For someone reading this who doesn't believe in Jesus (or any higher power) you have that right to do so; but, without my belief I probably wouldn't be here today! I can just tell you what works for me. I look back at that time and thank God I am not there anymore. 

   Since then I have made a good friend who often struggles with suicidal thoughts. It is just more affirmation that I am not alone. 

    I still deal with depression at times; but, I haven't had a suicidal thought in years, which is awesome! I won't lie to you and saw it all sunshine all the time. It's not. In the last two weeks I've been a little down; but, I haven't bottomed out. I've been there and trust me I've been lower. 

  So as hard it was for me to write this and be open. I encourage you to talk to someone. Whether it be a pastor, friend, just find someone. 

You really do matter. Men make up 3/4 of suicide and I believe it's because men often suppress feelings. 

   If you need help call: 

   National suicide hotline is open 24/7. 1-800-273-8255. 

     Like, share and comment below. This isn't something that goes away overnight!